I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, and I usually wear my heart on my sleeve. My sisters, friends, and I joke around about our experiences on Tinder and whatnot occasionally haha but I do still believe that real, genuine love is out there. Over these past couple of years however, I’ve learned that I don’t like to share my love life with many people. Why? Because people would probably just think that I’m young and inexperienced and dismiss my feelings. I’m only 20 years old after all. It’s like, “Ugh, what do you know about love?”
But I have loved. Intense, fiery, passionate love.
Whenever I was happy, it was intensified whenever I had his presence alongside me. He was the first person who I wanted to know about any good or exciting news I had in my life. Whenever I was sad or in pain, he was still the first person I wanted to know and the only one I could think of, because somehow just the thought of having him near me was comforting. It doesn’t matter how mad I’d be at him, I couldn’t stand not talking to him, not having him in my life- and then suddenly I wasn’t able to envision a life without him in it. I found that I was always giving bits and pieces of myself away to him without any reason or any expectation. It was just real- just out of plain love.
And then it was just over. That’s when I realized that out of the two of us, I was the one who loved more. Well the previous sentence was more of a hopeful sentence. I realized that out of the two of us, I was the only one who loved. Being that I was the one blinded by love, I guess I never really saw how he was ruining me. Whenever he criticized my appearance I thought, “Maybe he’s right. I should change something about that.” And so, I did. I tried to change for him. Whenever he pointed out my flaws I thought, “I wish I could be better for him.” And so, I found myself seeking his approval often. Whenever he chastised me for laughing, or doing something wrong, I thought, “Yeah, I should be less annoying.” And so, I tried to laugh less and do less things wrong. So everything that I did for him and so much more during this time was because I thought his happiness was my priority. Boy, did I ever learn. I can’t believe I was ever that stupid…
On that note, my dear sisters,
I just want to tell you that you are all fucking fabulous and that you don’t need a guy or anyone in your life if they don’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. Don’t ever settle. You also definitely shouldn’t ever let anyone define you. Only you define yourself.
Don’t ever be/stay with someone if you only find yourself questioning if they’re worth your time. You shouldn’t have to be wondering if your efforts are worth it. Truth is, if they’ve got you thinking along those lines they’re not worth it. You’ll know when you find the perfect one, because they’ll make every second of your time valuable by the things they do. You’ll know it when you look in their eyes and see them shining for you. When you look in their eyes and can even somehow see their smile in the reflection. You’ll know it because even though they don’t say anything, they’ll just be able to show it through their actions, and you’ll feel that. You’ll feel the love and appreciation. You’ll know it when they notice the little things you do, and you’ll know it when they are willing to put in the extra effort to keep you happy and make you feel just as special. You’ve got to let them go if they’re not worth your time. Keep them, if they’ve got you feeling complete bliss because that’s what you deserve, but also make sure that someone is worth both the good and bad times, worth your consistent efforts, someone who is worth it all. Someone who learns to love every part of you. Good or bad. Someone who sees the worth in yourself, and someone who loves all the insecurities you maybe haven’t learned to accept yet.
I am grateful to say that I have loved. and that I’ve been loved. But never in my life have those two loves been mutual. And you know that’s fine because I can’t wait for the day when I do find that love. If I don’t, well then I guess I’ll give up then. So here’s to my sisters and I, and to you, hoping that we will find/have found that someone and that genuine love. But until then, there’s only one person whose love we really need. Our own.
With love always,